I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
