If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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