between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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