so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
