Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
