i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
