i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
