I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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