Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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