My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
