Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
