I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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