I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
