I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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