a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
