I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
