Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
