So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
