wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
