they said they heard you say put it in my butt
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
