I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
