dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
