There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
