so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
