Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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