Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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