This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
