i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
