his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
