I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
