When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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