She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
