I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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