Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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