I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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