you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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