New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
