i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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