Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
