I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
