I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
