I need help removing her.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I faked an abortion last night.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
