why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
