the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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