he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
