she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
