Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
