One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
