quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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