She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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